Fuck you, you dirty liar. You lead us on like animals, dangling our biggest, most provocative, most tantalizing desires in front of us, using a dad’s old fishing rod - the same fishing rod you’ve used on the billions before us: the same damn trick, on every soul, each as naive as the last. You show us promises of acceptance, of love, of fulfillment, but all in vain. You give us nothing. There’s no beauty, there’s no contentment.
There is the truth behind what we see as images of success, if we aren’t too mesmerized by success to look. Hercules would piss away the chance to save the world for a girl, Batman was alone and solely focused on his own sense of justice (which, thankfully, is better than Hitler’s perception of justice), and Clinton cheated. Our perception of these characters depend on where in the story we flip to. If it’s in the beginning, they’re all heroes with great intentions. At the end? The truth is that we are all flawed. It’s all about perspective.
Do our imperfections make us who we are? Yes. They make us the liars. They make us the gluttons. They make us the obsessed, the addicted, the murderers, the adulterers, the extremists, the self-centered bastards that we all are.
We pine for attention. We seek affirmation, from any and every source. We want to know what we are worth, if anything. We hide who we are to get this approval, or we pretend to be someone we’re not… as if those two sentiments aren’t one in the same. It’s too dangerous to be ourselves, how could you even suggest to be such a thing? Don’t you know how you’ll be judged?
And the world, funny place, takes advantage of this very mindset, holds our reputation as hostage and uses our personality as blackmail. It knows what we want, and it promises to get us to point X if we just go along the road that is always travelled. Look at the people before you, they got to point X. Look at what they did, look at how they played the game. Look, just have to follow the carrot or else, how will you ever get what we want? So go on now, conform.
One speck of sand in a vast desert, one molecule of water in an ocean, one star in the galaxy, one person. One flawed person, led on by fake promises, in a world of no beauty.
Well, I just have one thing for you, world. Fuck you and your point X. Fuck you for how you’ve capitalized on our human flaws. Fuck you for leading us on a wild goose chase for happiness. Fuck you for lying to each and every generation, from birth to death. Fuck you.
Getting stupid things wrong. Dumb, dumb, dumb. >:(
Conversely, getting difficult things correct.
What’s wrong with my brainnnn?
Harder things work on simpler things, conceptually, but apparently, I’m not bad at building without a foundation. They say basics matter, but I’m not good at basics, but I’m good at building on basics that apparently aren’t there, sooo… Hm.
LEAVES ARE CHANGING COLORS.
The world never ceases to surprise me. It would be a sad day when this statement changes.
I mean, we’re all Israelites right? We look back on their history and we see how obviously God was working in their lives. We judge them because they doubted and we judge them because they were so so so stubborn-hearted for not following our Savior who was obviously working in their favor. He carried them with a cloud of FIRE, He parted the SEA for them, he gave them bread and manna in the DESERT. Reading back on all of this, how can you not follow Him? How can any doubt enter your heart? Is that even possible?
And then, just like that, you’re a hypocrite. Anybody who looks for God in this day and age would be blind not to see Him. Anybody who looks for God in my life would be blind not to see Him.
But so often, that’s just it. We don’t look, we don’t see Him. We allow ourselves to fall. No big deal. We cry out like the Israelites - take me back to my comfort level because it’s too dangerous out here.
What’s sad is that I look back on the things I’ve done and I don’t see God. I see achievements and flaws. I think to myself, “Why did I waste so much damn time on you?” or “Why didn’t I just do that instead?” or “Look at how much work I spent doing this, look at what I’ve achieved.” I judge my life based on my mistakes and my achievements.
This relative set of standards is not what I want to live for. Relativity means anything goes. Relative is an excuse, a justification for any and everything. God is not relative.
So… what’s the point? Who knows :P
My days are starting to blur together like one big watercolor mess. Blues blend with the green, with the reds, with the purples.
When did I spend time with you? Where did we go? Was that yesterday or last week? And what did we do?
I don’t know.
7 days until China. Praying for strength, for an open-mind, for energy, for providence, for willingness, for faith. 7 days to tie loose ends here in the Bay. 7 more days to prepare my heart to be used by You.
God, be near. Calm my fears.